About Cutting - Started on 6th December 2011.
1. How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started. 6th
I started self harming myself in 2008, when I was 13-14 years old. I stopped for a year from the end of 2009 till about the start of 2011. I started because I hated myself and I just wanted to die. I was bullied from the 2005 and it was a way of expressing how I was feeling on myself because I felt I deserved it. I started again because of feeling this way again.
2. What part of your body is most affected by it? 7th
The part of my body most affected by cutting would be my legs. The top of my legs is where I mainly cut. I used to cut my wrists but found it was too noticable. I cut my wrists sometimes still when I feel the need.
3. What is your motivation to recover? 8th
I am seeing someone for my eating disorder and they noticed my wrist, so I am attempting what they have given me but no luck. My motivation would be my boyfriend. I am trying not to do it for him.
4. Do you consider yourself “addicted”? why or why not? 9th
I guess I could say I’m addicted. It’s more just because I hate myself and I deserve pain than because I am addicted.
5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most? 10th
The scars being visible for everyone to notice. I don’t want people to know and judge me.
6. What about it do you enjoy? 11th
Putting myself in pain because I deserve it, Numbness, Relief.
7. List 10 activities that help you calm down.
12th
- Music
- Boyfriend
- Friends
- Family
That’s it.
8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?
13th
…. Nothing.
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.
14th
I haven’t. Why would I want to have picture proof when I am forever hiding them?
10. How do you feel about your scars? 15th
Scars tell stories. I like having scars but just not wounds that people can see.
11. Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?
16th
School, With a machine thing. Or the other strange place would be at friends houses.
12. Where do you keep your ‘tools’? (Your room, in a box, disposed of them?) 17th
My tools are in a place where is secret. For my knowing only. :)
13. What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had? 18th
That it is a help at the time.
14. Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery? 19th
No, I don’t know anyone that is or has recovered. An inspiration I had has been lost recently, I just don’t have anything to inspire me to do anything anymore, I just give up.
15. Do you visit any websites about self harm? If so, what are they?
20th
Nope.
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm? 21st
Try not to take it to extremes, if at first you are just cutting with a knife, not deep and not a lot, try and keep it like that and get help as soon as possible.
17. Do you know anyone else who injures themselves? 22nd
Yes, I know many people that do it and it hurts me to know that they could take it too far one day.
18. Write a letter to the future (recovered) you.
23rd
Dear _______,
Well, you made it through, you’re healthy and you have had a good life. Just remember when times get you down that you can get right back up again. You were so screwed up now, and you on the date 23rd December 2011, do not think you deserve to live. Try not do anything stupid from now on, and I know you will look perfect one day. Just remember the quote: “Stay Strong now, things will get better, It might be stormy now but it can’t rain forever.” Said to you by Rachel Barber and carry on in life. I guess you will make it.
Love Fucked up _______ who wants to die.
19. List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it. 24th
1. For My family
2. For schooling and jobs
3. For my friends
4. For a family of my own
5. To enjoy life
20. What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm.
25th
My first time. I was shaving my legs and I was pissed off and upset. I never thought of anything like self-harm at the time, but I had before. Not thinking about what I was doing, I cut my upper leg. I liked the feeling so I continued.
21. Have you tried to stop in the past? What are you doing differently this time? 26th
I did stop for like 2 years? And not eating and over exercising.
22. Where do you feel the most calm? 27th
With a bunch of friends normally or with my boyfriend. But things can go up and down. Sometimes I just can’t keep calm.
23. What is your favorite inspirational quote?
28th
You’ve got a brain in your head, feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself in any direction you choose. - Chalet Girl
24. What are some of your main triggers? Why? 29th
Being treated like shit. Obvioius. Being jealous, just stuff like that. Me screwing everything up, being pathetic, being a fuck up. Just usual stuff. Being ignored. Not having things ‘my way’ because I’m a selfish bitch.
25. Do you know any statistics about self harm? 30th
No, I actually don’t.
26. What is something that makes you the most happy?
31st
Music is definately the only thing keeping me here. I am going to write my own stuff and see if that helps as well. Singing keeps me here too.
27. Discuss any and all progress you have made. 1st
Well, I went camping on the 26th - 31st. It’s now the 1st and haven’t cut again. So I’m happy-ish. I am trying to be “healthy” so.
28. What short-term goals do you have? 2nd
To be skinnier. Have a good life, be healthy, do well in school, be amazing to everyone.
29. Do you follow any self-harm blogs?
Yes, quite a few. They are lovely.
30. Post your favorite picture of yourself and write a positive message to look back on
Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain. I guess you passed that challenge <3
Alphabet Me.
- A. Available: Nope
- B. Birthday: 21/08/95
- C. Crushing on: My boyfriend, Tom.
- D. Drink you last had: Water
- E. Easiest person to talk to: No one.
- F. Favorite song: Too many to choose!
- G. Grossest memory: I don’t really have a gross memory.
- H. Hometown: Napier, New Zealand.
- I. In love with: Tom.
- J. Jealous of: Everyone.
- K. Killed someone: I have plans to.
- L. Longest friendship: 14 years.
- M. Milkshake flavour: Too many calories to drink one.
- N. Number of siblings: 2.
- O. One wish: To be honest, I don’t know.
- P. Person who you last called: I called Melissa.
- Q. Question your asked the most: Are you okay? Oh well that’s good.
- R. Reason to smile: To make people happy around me.
- S. Song you last sang: Caught like a fly - Falling in Reverse
- T. Time you wake up: On weekdays for school. 6.30am, Normal Weekends like 9. and Holidays 12.
- U. Underwear color: Grey Bonds.
- V. Violent moment: When people piss me off.
- W. Worst habit: Counting Calories, Eating, It used to be cutting, but I have nothing to cut with, being fat, being ugly, being jealous, talking to myself or a voice in my head.
- X. X-ray you had: Heaps, last one was on my hip.
- Y. Your last time you cried: This morning.
- Z. Zodiac sign: Leo.
